love your toddler as yourself: a "normal" day

Today, loving the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and strength, and loving my neighbour as myself, here in rural Tanzania, looked like answering an emergency phone call at seven am; getting up and changing diapers instead of the hoped-for sleeping in; making a care package of blankets, clothes, bottles, formula and supplements for a friend struggling to feed her newborn twins; hanging long lines of laundry in the hot sun; answering questions like “what happens to spiders after they run away” and “if I get in the bath, will my hair melt?” while answering the door and answering emails; scouring books and websites and messaging friends for ways to help a neighbour who has chronic stomach troubles; paying school fees for clusters of shy and bashful students who come to our door hoping for help; reading through the Psalms on the couch, bible in my lap, while my boys sit next to me and watch a video about cows (and another about gravity); tying Kai to my back while standing over the stove and stirring caramel; problem-solving for Visible Grace from the small screen of my iPhone; fielding requests from maintenance workers on the back porch while Abram meets with a fellow teacher on the front porch; practicing David’s memory verse with him over a lunch of chicken and sweet potatoes; nursing consecutive babies while chatting with two of our college students; filling water bottles and charging phones for neighbours and workers without electricity; sending Kai to the clinic with our nanny to be tested for malaria, and sending David, James, and James’s baby doll along as well, because they want to "go bye bye"; laughing with joy when Mary reports that, at James’s request, the nurse gave his doll a malaria test, too; talking to our lawyer and social work about potentially adopting Kai; planning a certain four year old’s birthday party and inviting our neighbours; planning backup childcare for tomorrow because Abram is preaching and I cannot handle four young children by myself for four hours; and lying in my hammock with David during naptime. 

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago on a particularly busy day- so busy I didn't even have time to post it. Today, everything looks similar, but different.) 

PS- David turned four!

PPS- I have a few pictures that won't upload, and I am running out of time, and if I don't post this now, I never will, so here it is. I'll try to post pictures another time. Grr. 

Besties and road trips and babies, oh my.

It's been MONTHS since I've blogged, and let me just tell you, when the power is only on from midnight till 5 am, getting online becomes...difficult. July, August and September have been basically powerless, and it's extremely frustrating (though the past few days, we've had electricity about half the time- woohoo!)


The big news first: I'm pregnant again! Baby is due in March, David will be 18 months old. the baby will probably be born in Kenya again, I'm hoping for a girl but who knows, and yes, I'm excited and nervous and tired and busy. Thank you. : ) (Also, morning sickness has been wayyyy better this time around, THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR MERCIES.)

Technology is pretty amazing, isn't it?

The past few months have been eventful, needless to say!

In July, one of my best friends from Oregon came to visit us for four whole weeks! Abram, David and I all loved having Lindsay with us for so long. I mean, really:

Don't they just look so in love?

Lindsay spent about two weeks with us here in the village. It was lovely- school was out, so everything was a bit more laid-back, and we spent time drinking coffee, reading, talking, playing with David, trying to convince him to take naps, going for walks, drinking coffee and reading. Linds got a bit of a taste of what our lives are like here- I believe the first day she was here, we had twenty something people knock on our door. (Our record is thirty something.) She had fun picking up more Swahili, trying to learn people's names, and trying to help people pronounce hers! For me, it was a huge blessing, because not only did I have a good friend around, but I had someone to help tag-team with David, dishes, cooking, etc.

The first week of August, the four of us packed up our things and drove to Nairobi for a two week visit, so that we could visit Visible Grace, go shopping, visit friends, find out I was pregnant, get an ultrasound, and do other fun city things.

Off we go!

The 10-12 hour trip, always adventurous, ended up being pretty rough, because David came down with a flu and threw up no less than seven times that day. You guys, I don't even know how it's possible, but vomit was like puddled under his car seat. (Not under him. Under the seat.) It was really sad and really rough- I hate seeing him sick and not knowing what to do! Thankfully, after he threw up he was pretty wiped out, and spent most of the trip sleeping. He didn't seem too upset, but I sure was. After ruling out malaria, we were afraid it might be carsickness (something that doesn't work for our traveling family), but thank GOD, David hasn't had any problems since, including the trip home. By the time we got to Nairobi that night, David and I were out of clean clothes- not a fun start to any vacation! Oh well- now I can add 'change clothes in an outhouse' to my list of life experiences.

The highlight of our time in Nairobi, as always, was visiting the looney tunes at Visible Grace. The kids are growing like weeds, learning more English (and more shenanigans), helping around the house, and doing well in school. Steve, Judy, the Kenyan staff, and the Kenyan board members are doing incredible work, and God is so good to bring everything together like this, and get me out of the way so that Africans can lead this thing, and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

The only downside is that the kids don't really like Steve or Abram very much:

I mean, really. 

Steve is somewhere under that pile of children.

Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I have to be sarcastic, or I will explode.

It was really fun for Lindsay to visit the kids, as well. Linds came in 2011, when we broke ground on the house, and again in 2013, when we had our housewarming party and were just getting this party started. The kids adore her, and it's great for everyone- in America and in Kenya- to have someone consistently visiting and maintaining a relationship with VG and the kids.

David's a big hit around the house, too:

And the youngest of the kids tell Steve and Judy, "I'm not the youngest anymore- David is!"

Between visits to the house, we had a good time enjoying life in Nairobi. Abram and I were also blessed to go on not only one but TWO dates- Lindsay babysat one night and another friend the other. One date was just because, the other was to celebrate (early) our second anniversary!

I know we look like we're camping, but under my sweater, jacket, scarf and leggings, I'm wearing a pretty dress, as well as the bracelet Abram gave me on our anniversary last year.

In the middle of August, we had to send Lindsay home. We loved spending time with her and are so blessed by her love for our family! We miss you, Linds! 

Lunch on our last day together- a friend watched D, so we got to eat food without it being thrown in our lap!

Abram and I had planned to leave Nairobi a day or two after Lindsay left for the States. The day before we were going to leave, our car started making ominous clunking noises. We are so, so grateful we took it to the mechanic, and didn't end up stranded on the road somewhere between Nairobi and Tanzania! We ended up being in Nairobi for a total of four weeks, instead of two. The extended stay and the car repairs ended up being really hard on our budget -and our savings- but we are grateful that God provided places to stay, and we are grateful we now have a well functioning car. Between pregnancy and a busy baby, I am not interested in buses anymore. Though we did take the bus a few times in Nairobi, and with Abram's help, it's not bad. Just tiring.

Anyway- we are grateful to get to visit a few other friends in the interim, including a couple families who live in the slums, who we have known for years. We are so blessed and humbled to know these people, who are incredibly hard working and resourceful and kind.

I love this one: from left to right, Abraham, David, and Abram and David!

We also took David and our friend Katherine to my favourite place in the world- the giraffe centre. I am very sad to report that David was terrified and hated it and cried and now I can't be his mommy anymore, because what kind of son doesn't love giraffes?

He finally calmed down- his baba helped him to be brave.

Scoping each other out.

We got home to our village in early September, and jumped into an extremely busy month, which I will try to blog about later (hopefully!) In the meantime, here are more pictures of Davidy that didn't fit anywhere else:

This kid really, really loves dogs.

Spring Break

A solid month has gone by since I've written anything, and here's the thing: I have thought about or planned to blog almost every single day for the past 4 weeks. I have major respect for any mother who gets anything done. Anything. Did you brush your teeth today? You are awesome. You showered?!  And your neighbour didn't have to come over and hold your screaming baby? I don't even believe you.

Me? Cry? Never!

Anyway- lots has happened in our crazy, boring, exciting, busy lives. Here's a brief update.

April is a holiday for the college where Abram teaches- most of East Africa uses a year-round system, where schools are closed in April, August and December. The month has gone by quickly and I can hardly believe classes will be starting again on Monday. It's been a nice change of pace, and a chance to get to spend more time together, and to travel a bit!

Last week we were in Nairobi, visiting Visible Grace and some of our friends in the area, as well as doing major shopping (dark chocolate, decaf coffee, gluten free soy sauce, rice flour...).

Me: Thanks for being so generous and letting me buy so much stuff, and not complaining about it!
Abram: Well, I haven't totaled it all up yet. I'll complain later.
Me: ...Oh.

(He didn't complain, though. He's so generous. Abram would live off of $3 for the rest of his life, I think. Whereas I'm like, "well, in order to be truly happy, I need a hand mixer Jesus." I've never met anyone as content and non-materialistic as him. It's so annoying admirable. One of the many things I love about him. It also makes it hard to think of gifts for him!)

Er...as I was saying, we were able to visit the kids at VG, attend a board meeting, go to our (English speaking!) church, and visit a few of our friends. We also got a chance to dress Davidy in some of his 'winter' clothing, as it's rarely cold enough in TZ for long sleeves, let alone SWEATPANTS. You guys. I submit to you that few things are cuter than a baby in sweatpants.

It's always bittersweet for me to visit the VG house, because I miss the kids so much, and part of me still wishes we were there- but, I am happy/reluctant to admit, I think the entire ministry is doing better without me. Steve and Judy, the house parents/manager, are doing an incredible job, and we are grateful and impressed every time we talk with them or see the work they are doing. (Clarification: I'm still involved. Just in a very different capacity. I do not, for the record, miss Rita waking me up at 5:45 every morning.)

Rita: So innocent, so sweet. So loud.

I miss them. A lot. 

Raising 11 kids and holding a 12th: The best house father ever, Steve.

Everyone was of course delighted to see David and meet him for a second time- many of the friends we saw had visited us in the hospital when he was born! It was really cool to realise that, if we live in East Africa for a while, these people will know him throughout his entire childhood- watching him from newborn to toddlerhood to...adolescence?! Who knows. It's hard for us to be away from our families and home churches, but God has been good to bless us with 'families' here in Kenya and Tanzania. Davidy has American, South African, Canadian, Tanzanian, Kenyan, German and British (and more!) aunties, uncles, grandmas and grandpas. We really do feel supported and loved! And we are seeing the truth in the African adage "it takes a village to raise a child." (No, Hilary Clinton did not coin that phrase!)

Learning to sit with his cousin Charles (and yes, he's licking him. I don't know.)

Cousin Precious. And the aforementioned sweatpants.

Almost everyone we know had a baby last year. Seriously. Everyone.

Now that we are back home, we have a few days to settle in and get back into a routine before school starts again. Abram will be teaching a class on the book of Genesis, which I plan to attend/audit. I am looking forward to learning more about the Bible, as well as watching my husband teach! Thanks to a lighter teaching schedule this term, he will have a lot more time to research, read and write for his dissertation.

The view from our porch. It's good to be home!

We always enjoy a change of pace, and a chance to visit friends, but we are looking forward to life 'as usual', as well. This term should be a good one, and one of our good friends from Oregon is visiting at the end! Hurry up, Auntie Lindsay!

Thanks for a great pic, Jere!

Frequently Asked Questions

I get the same exact four questions, over and over, so I'm going to spend the next few (…four, to be exact) posts answering them!

Number one, and most frequent:

What about Visible Grace/what's your job now/how does it work/what do you do?

I'm so grateful to my friends who have stood by my side over the last decade, supporting both me personally, and Visible Grace. I would never have been able to get VG on its feet, and I would never have survived (mentally, emotionally, physically- it's a tough job!) without good people on my side. I also want to say thank you for the unbelievably kind responses we got to our last post. To be honest it was a little scary and hard to write, but I felt nothing but support and understanding and love from you, my dear reader-friends. 

Last year when we were making some tough decisions, Abram and I both consulted family and older, wiser friends (including the Visible Grace board) before committing to anything. During that time, we- me, Abram, the board, some good friends, family- all reached the same conclusion, and this might totally blow you away:

I am sort of not great at admin. Or at being a director.

And I hated to admit it, because, well. Because I was doing it, and I wanted to be good at it, and, oh yeah- I want to be good at everything.

But I was secretly relieved to not be in charge of VG anymore. 

Right now, we have an incredible team up in Kenya, and each of them is doing better at their job than I ever did. (It helps that each of them is only doing one job, instead of four.) And this frees me up to…well…be me. To do the things I love.

To take pictures.

And laugh a lot.

And tell stories.
And dream about who these kids will become someday. 

And spend time with my husband (what? working 20 hours a day, seven days a week isn't conducive to a healthy marriage?!).

And - most importantly- to focus on our growth, our goals, and the relationships that really matter within VG.

So, at the moment, the house parents and Kenyan manager get to make the tough decisions. The hiring and firing, the discipline and budget problems. And the details I'm not great at- budgeting, spreadsheets, accounts. Abram and I sit on the Kenyan board, which means we go up for meetings 3-4 times a year, and we spend a lot of time emailing and calling the staff and board. We also serve as the sort of ambassadors to the American board- joining via conference call for many of their meetings, emailing with advice about vision and development, as well as serving as a sort of cultural translator, between the African staff and the American board members. 

My personal job, at the moment, is "sponsorship coordinator". This means I am responsible for finding and maintaining sponsors for all of our kids. Sending kids' artwork to the sponsors, updating them via Facebook, updating the VG blog (don't look at it right now. I'm going to update it after we go to Nairobi next week), emailing them about the kids…ahem. 

To be honest, I haven't done a great job this year- not because I've been in Tanzania, but because being in Tanzania, being pregnant, and being newly married has (almost) kicked my butt, and then on the days I had more time and energy- bam, the power and internet would go out. But, I'm getting better at it, and upping my game. Really. I am! Really!

I'm kinda-sorta the social media person as well, which means writing newsletters, updating our Facebook page, promoting the upcoming auction (November 8!), and running our Instagram feed. When I'm not in Kenya, the house father, Steve, sends me pictures of the kids.

When we go to Kenya next week to visit the kids and board (and my doctor)? Well. You can expect roughly seventy-five thousand new pictures. 

catching up, part 2: you want to live where?

So you guys know I love Abram, right?

He's pretty dreamy. He treats me really well. Also he makes good smoothies. Also, this:

See? You'd fall in love with him too. But you can't; he's taken. 

I guess my point is that it wasn't very hard to fall in love with him. We were both in Nairobi, we both love Jesus and Africa and kids and books and avocados. We had so much fun together no matter what we were doing. He was there for me when I really needed him. He makes wise decisions and treats people well. Everyone thinks highly of him. It was so perfect: We fell in love and dated and got engaged in Kenya. We were living out my dream life: meet a Christian guy who's already in Africa.

In Nairobi.

But there was one teeny tiny catch and, I'll admit, when I first met Abram I was basically in complete denial of this: Abram is a doctoral student, and his research topic for his dissertation is based in…

Tanzania. (Where?)

He's committed to living in Tanzania for the next 2+ years, serving with AIM and researching and interviewing and writing his dissertation. And this is a problem for me, because I…I love Kenya.

I mean everyone knows that.

And most people know my story: for ten years, I have been working on starting a home for orphaned children in Nairobi, Kenya. I spent the majority of my time in Oregon, fundraising and networking, and traveling to Kenya once or twice a year. In 2012, the board of my non profit decided it was time to send me to Kenya full time to the home (finally!) up and running.

This was an answer to prayer. For a decade, I have felt that my heart was in Kenya, and wanted to be there, to get Visible Grace going, to work with kids who needed to be loved. It was finally time! Sort of.

When I met Abram I knew God was blessing me even beyond what I'd asked for. I got to move to Kenya! We opened the home and started taking in kids! And then I met Mr Perfect. I really had it all.

Except I didn't.

Abram and I started talking about marriage really quickly. During our whirlwind of romance and life (running a children's home and finishing a doctorate program- no big deal, guys) we talked a lot about our future. We have similar passions and visions- I desire to educate children, so they grow up well, and he loves educating and equipping African adults, so that they can in turn equip others. We have different fields, but we really desire the same thing.

Abram spent about 10 of the last 14 years teaching at a Bible college in Tanzania, and this is where he chose his research topic for his dissertation. (Two years ago he decided to go back to school himself, to get a Ph.D. He just so happened to choose a college in Nairobi…) While he finishes his dissertation, he's also teaching at the Bible college here. In Tanzania.

In not Kenya.

Like I said, we spent a lot of time talking about our future. We felt like we had a few choices. Except I really didn't feel like I had a choice at all:

~Not marry Abram
~Stay in Kenya and make him abandon his studies
~Marry Abram and follow him to Tanzania

This was a really difficult decision for both of us. I didn't feel ready to let go of my dream job; Abram didn't want to see me hurt and grieving. It was also hard because I felt like the Lord had only just allowed me to move to Kenya and see get Visible Grace up and running. I had been waiting so long to see it become a reality. Was He really taking it away from me so quickly? Or testing me to see if I cared about the love of a man more than obedience to God? (Yes, I really wondered that.)

Here's the thing, though: Visible Grace was up and running. We were seeing it become a reality.

So the choice wasn't necessarily taking away from the ministry. In fact, at the moment VG is thriving- without me! Abram and I are part of the board and are in touch often. We have a Kenyan manager, which I think is important. We plan to go up several times a year- it's a day's drive from where we live. I miss the kids, but really, everyone is thriving right now. It's possible this is exactly what was needed in order to take this thing to the next level- to help it move beyond me.

But it was so hard, you guys. Excruciating. At first I felt like I was being asked to choose between my first born child and the love of my life. (Seriously- I raised VG from its infancy and worked on it 24/7 and it kept me up at night and consumed all my resources and time and was my baby. Tell me that's not like a baby.)

Throughout the entire process I could feel God's hand at work, and I knew that, for whatever reason, this was what God wanted me to do. To step back from VG, to leave the city and country I love, and to follow Abram to Tanzania. I'm still figuring out why, and what that looks like, but I am confident He's leading me in the right direction. (Tanzania, by the way, is fairly similar to Kenya. Not a huge change.)

Another step in this decision was to join Africa Inland Mission, because Abram is a missionary through them, and we want to be on the same team. This step wasn't really as big a deal. AIM is a great organisation full of great people. It also provides me with stability I haven't had before, like…infrastructure. And health insurance. This move also took me off Visible Grace's payroll, which is fantastic for VG financially, and enables us to save up a bit, for exciting things like…a new sceptic tank. I know, I know- why don't I blog about that?!

So. There's my 'confession'. I have been toying with this post for months, because a lot of clarification was needed, and a lot of people don't really know where I live or what I'm up to. (Some people think we live at the children's home, and for the record, that was never part of the plan. I think the kids deserve African parents, and I think we deserve some privacy in our first year of marriage.)

I'm still not thrilled about being here, some days. But that's okay. Because this is home for now, with Abram, and we'll figure it out together. We don't know what our next step will be, or what God has in store for us. But for now, we're here.

the catch-up post: 2013

I keep putting off blogging because I know I'll have to start at practically the beginning. The beginning for me and Abram was only about 18 months ago, but we've fit an awful lot into that time, so it's still a lot to write about!

Among other things, in 2013:

~We were both living in Kenya

~We got engaged in February

~I (Ashby) moved from the home I was renting in Ngong (near Abram) to the children's home (Visible Grace). This put me over an hour away from Abram, but…

~We opened the children's home and took in our first kids! Something almost ten years in the making!

~We had to fire our manager, who also happened to be my best friend and former housemate. This ended our friendship, shattered me emotionally, cut me off from much of my community in Nairobi, and resulted in my working two jobs--

~I was serving as director, house mother, and manager for Visible Grace (I was spread too thin and felt like I was doing all jobs poorly)

~By June we had 6  kids and by August, 8 kids! Such a blessing; so much work!

~In June we also hosted one of our good friends for 12 weeks. Scott stayed with Abram and interned with VG: he did everything from writing up kids' bios and staff handbooks, to cleaning the bathroom, to playing with the kids in the yard, to teaching our staff CPR, to helping me with wedding invites…seriously, Scott was a lifesaver. This was especially helpful because…

~I was also hosting various parasites, including malaria and schistosomiasis (look it up if you dare). I was really, really sick. Oh, and I came down with 'atypical pneumonia'.

~Abram also had his hands full, because in addition to caring for me (physically and mentally- I was a wreck), he defended his dissertation proposal (good job, honey!) and finished his final papers for his PHD program. This means he is done with classes and is now working on his dissertation. He also hosted a weekly small group at his school and joined the VG board. Did I mention the papers? He wrote several hundred thousand words last spring. Doctorate level. That man works hard.

~In June we made the decision that I would join Africa Inland Mission, the organization Abram serves with. This resulted in a mountain of paperwork and hours of psychological tests. (An amusing aside: When I finally got admitted to AIM, they told me they had reservations because of some of my answers on the testing. Are you more tired than normal? Are you stressed? Do you feel like you are over-burdened? When I explained the extenuating circumstances they agreed that I handled it well enough and that it was an exceptional situation…and wanted to be sure I wouldn't do it again. Ha. I don't think I'll get pneumonia, lose my best friend, and adopt eight kids again any time soon!)

~In July Abram and I began several hours of pre-marital counselling

~Visible Grace hired a part time manager to help me with a lot of the daily operations (she quit in February 2014)

~In August we hosted three more good friends, who came for two weeks to help out with the kids and help us host our housewarming party! And helped me pack! And built us a chicken house!

~On August 3rd, 2013 we threw a housewarming party for the children's home. I believe there were over a hundred people there. To be perfectly honest, Abram, Scott and our new manager did most of the work. But I showed up…

~I also managed to pack and be ready to go back to the States, first to Georgia for a five-day orientation to AIM, then to Oregon for three weeks…

~Oh, and we planned a wedding.

WHEW. I need a break just re-reading this.

Last summer were some of the sweetest memories I'll ever have- I have always, always wanted to be a mama to orphaned children, and these specific children were part of a vision I've had for a decade. I was so unbelievably blessed to live there and work with those kids. At the same time, I don't want to do that ever again- I was so stressed, so sad and emotional, so exhausted and so sick.

I really do thank God for Abram at this time. God also put some lovely Kenyan and American women in my life just when I badly needed friends and was missing my best friend. In 2013, I learned a lot…and cried a lot.

So this basically leads us up to September of 2013. Still with me? I'll post about life after wedding, later this week.