Life and loss and everything in between

I have written a thousand updates in my head. I have actually typed out two updates that remained in the draft folder. I keep vowing to blog, giving up, deciding that no one cares anymore, resorting to Facebook for updates, forgetting the whole thing, and then starting the cycle all over.

But Facebook memories reminded me that two and three years ago, I used to consistently update my blog. I re-read one blog entry this morning and realized it's more than just an update of what's going on in our family. Or at least, it used to be.

I used to write because I like writing. I used to capture not only the "where are we now" moments, the "which country are we in and how many babies have we had" moments, but the in-between moments: the homesickness that catches you unaware when you're rinsing dishes in the sink. The life-loving moments that fill your heart to bursting when one of your boys holds hands with his neighbour and leads her gently to the sandbox to play. The when-will-this-end moments that come in waves, malaria on top of colds on top of dirty diapers on top of funerals. The what-did-I-learn-today moments that occur on a daily basis but fade gently into the back of our minds as we fall asleep each night, things that build us up and make us into better people, but don't get written down or overtly observed.

Back when I only had one or two children, I made time to capture all this. And I'm not even sure how many people read this blog, but I realized today how important it is for me. Even if no one reads it, it's there for me, and since I can type faster than I can write, it can be a journal of sorts. Our life here is unusual, and since sleep deprivation causes memory loss, perhaps I can look back on this when I'm old and grey and have adjusted the font on my computer to geriatric size, and I'll sit in my rocking chair and squint at the screen and mutter under my breath about the memories I chose to capture here.

When I'm washing dishes, nursing a baby, or trying to fall asleep at night, and chastising myself about my lack of blogging, I wrestle back and forth: first of all, no one is beating me up about this except myself, and I need to be gracious with myself and "let it go", etc etc. Second of all, can you imagine if I told one of my neighbours about this internal struggle? Me: I just really need to blog, you know? It's been a year. Them: I have no idea where our next meal is coming from...what's a "blog"?

So then the pendulum swings back to "who cares" and "no blog at all". But then I swing back the other way, again, to this: I need to write. It used to be life giving to me. And so I'm going to try. Again. And I may neglect it, again. But that's okay. I can care for my neighbours, and keep perspective, and still make time to write. Right?

Eleven months ago I wrote about our upcoming trip to Nairobi. At that time we were expecting twins. In June of last year, we lost Simeon at 27 weeks gestation, and in August of last year, Simeon and Isaiah were born at 36 weeks. We buried Simeon in September and had a memorial for him in October. All of these things are worth blogging about, and I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. This is one of the reasons I didn't get back to writing- because the things I need to write about were piling up, and I got overwhelmed. And how can I write about the little things if I haven't caught up on the big things? But here we are. I might never get around to writing down all the details of 2017. It wasn't a great year. Our son died.

But so much of that has been captured by camera and by memory. We don't forget the details anytime soon (some I wish I could). Nor will I forget the kindness of our neighbours, our families, our home church and our colleagues. They lifted us up in that time and carried us to this point. I still ache to hold Simeon every day. But the pain has lessened. I wonder, when Isaiah smiles, sits up, or rolls over, what it would be like to watch them both grow. To watch them grow together. To watch James try to kiss both babies, instead of just begging to "kiss Saya?" every morning, noon and night. To discuss a living child with David, instead of talking about where his brother is now, and why he can't play with him just yet. To hold them both. To hold all four of them.

So here we are, nine months after we lost our baby, almost seven months after we brought Isaiah home from the hospital. We are exhausted. We are busy. We are happy. We laugh every day. I cry every other day. Boys are no joke. They climb windows and bring dead beetles to the dinner table and stick their fingers in every single thing you bake. They have big feelings and strong opinions and loud voices and dirty feet. They have the energy of a dozen caffeinated puppies. They hate brushing their teeth.

Abram finished his dissertation at the end of February, which is a huge accomplishment worthy of celebration. He still has to write two articles to be published in journals by the end of May. At that point he will defend his dissertation, and at THAT point he will truly be done. The dissertation is a huge load off his shoulders, but he's still quite anxious to be finished with all assignments, and to move on to the next chapter of our lives. (Which is basically the same chapter we're in now- teaching and child-raising- but without a PhD hanging over our heads.)

We stayed in Nairobi for five months last year, but we've been home in our little village in Tanzania since late October. I made a quick trip to the States with Isaiah in November, which warrants another blog post at another time. Since then, we've been here at home, Abram has been teaching, and I spend every waking moment trying to parent our children, or trying to recover from parenting our children.

Below are a few pictures from the past seven months, everything from the birth of the twins up till now, in no particular order. Next week is James's second birthday, so I'll make every attempt to blog about that in the next, oh, six months or so.

Playing piano with a friend

David and Isaiah 

David and James carrying their baby (dolls) on their backs

Isaiah Immanuel Kidd 

Isaiah at one month 

Abram and his boys 

Isaiah

Playing outside 

Isaiah had emergency hernia surgery in October at 7 weeks old.
We were thankful to be near a good children's hospital in Nairobi. 

Our road trip from Nairobi back to Tanzania with our nanny-friend Mary.

James painted himself

Abram and Isaiah 

Abram and boys with our tanzanian family 

Isaiah is, in general, an incredibly happy baby

Taking a bath 

Abram and boys 

David opening presents with friends, on his third birthday, last September

I made Abram turmeric macaroons for his birthday 

Abram reading with James

David's birthday 

In the hospital with the twins- Isaiah on the left and Simeon wrapped in a blanket

David and James meeting Isaiah in the hospital 

Headed home from the hospital 

Isaiah at six months 

Besties and road trips and babies, oh my.

It's been MONTHS since I've blogged, and let me just tell you, when the power is only on from midnight till 5 am, getting online becomes...difficult. July, August and September have been basically powerless, and it's extremely frustrating (though the past few days, we've had electricity about half the time- woohoo!)


The big news first: I'm pregnant again! Baby is due in March, David will be 18 months old. the baby will probably be born in Kenya again, I'm hoping for a girl but who knows, and yes, I'm excited and nervous and tired and busy. Thank you. : ) (Also, morning sickness has been wayyyy better this time around, THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR MERCIES.)

Technology is pretty amazing, isn't it?

The past few months have been eventful, needless to say!

In July, one of my best friends from Oregon came to visit us for four whole weeks! Abram, David and I all loved having Lindsay with us for so long. I mean, really:

Don't they just look so in love?

Lindsay spent about two weeks with us here in the village. It was lovely- school was out, so everything was a bit more laid-back, and we spent time drinking coffee, reading, talking, playing with David, trying to convince him to take naps, going for walks, drinking coffee and reading. Linds got a bit of a taste of what our lives are like here- I believe the first day she was here, we had twenty something people knock on our door. (Our record is thirty something.) She had fun picking up more Swahili, trying to learn people's names, and trying to help people pronounce hers! For me, it was a huge blessing, because not only did I have a good friend around, but I had someone to help tag-team with David, dishes, cooking, etc.

The first week of August, the four of us packed up our things and drove to Nairobi for a two week visit, so that we could visit Visible Grace, go shopping, visit friends, find out I was pregnant, get an ultrasound, and do other fun city things.

Off we go!

The 10-12 hour trip, always adventurous, ended up being pretty rough, because David came down with a flu and threw up no less than seven times that day. You guys, I don't even know how it's possible, but vomit was like puddled under his car seat. (Not under him. Under the seat.) It was really sad and really rough- I hate seeing him sick and not knowing what to do! Thankfully, after he threw up he was pretty wiped out, and spent most of the trip sleeping. He didn't seem too upset, but I sure was. After ruling out malaria, we were afraid it might be carsickness (something that doesn't work for our traveling family), but thank GOD, David hasn't had any problems since, including the trip home. By the time we got to Nairobi that night, David and I were out of clean clothes- not a fun start to any vacation! Oh well- now I can add 'change clothes in an outhouse' to my list of life experiences.

The highlight of our time in Nairobi, as always, was visiting the looney tunes at Visible Grace. The kids are growing like weeds, learning more English (and more shenanigans), helping around the house, and doing well in school. Steve, Judy, the Kenyan staff, and the Kenyan board members are doing incredible work, and God is so good to bring everything together like this, and get me out of the way so that Africans can lead this thing, and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

The only downside is that the kids don't really like Steve or Abram very much:

I mean, really. 

Steve is somewhere under that pile of children.

Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I have to be sarcastic, or I will explode.

It was really fun for Lindsay to visit the kids, as well. Linds came in 2011, when we broke ground on the house, and again in 2013, when we had our housewarming party and were just getting this party started. The kids adore her, and it's great for everyone- in America and in Kenya- to have someone consistently visiting and maintaining a relationship with VG and the kids.

David's a big hit around the house, too:

And the youngest of the kids tell Steve and Judy, "I'm not the youngest anymore- David is!"

Between visits to the house, we had a good time enjoying life in Nairobi. Abram and I were also blessed to go on not only one but TWO dates- Lindsay babysat one night and another friend the other. One date was just because, the other was to celebrate (early) our second anniversary!

I know we look like we're camping, but under my sweater, jacket, scarf and leggings, I'm wearing a pretty dress, as well as the bracelet Abram gave me on our anniversary last year.

In the middle of August, we had to send Lindsay home. We loved spending time with her and are so blessed by her love for our family! We miss you, Linds! 

Lunch on our last day together- a friend watched D, so we got to eat food without it being thrown in our lap!

Abram and I had planned to leave Nairobi a day or two after Lindsay left for the States. The day before we were going to leave, our car started making ominous clunking noises. We are so, so grateful we took it to the mechanic, and didn't end up stranded on the road somewhere between Nairobi and Tanzania! We ended up being in Nairobi for a total of four weeks, instead of two. The extended stay and the car repairs ended up being really hard on our budget -and our savings- but we are grateful that God provided places to stay, and we are grateful we now have a well functioning car. Between pregnancy and a busy baby, I am not interested in buses anymore. Though we did take the bus a few times in Nairobi, and with Abram's help, it's not bad. Just tiring.

Anyway- we are grateful to get to visit a few other friends in the interim, including a couple families who live in the slums, who we have known for years. We are so blessed and humbled to know these people, who are incredibly hard working and resourceful and kind.

I love this one: from left to right, Abraham, David, and Abram and David!

We also took David and our friend Katherine to my favourite place in the world- the giraffe centre. I am very sad to report that David was terrified and hated it and cried and now I can't be his mommy anymore, because what kind of son doesn't love giraffes?

He finally calmed down- his baba helped him to be brave.

Scoping each other out.

We got home to our village in early September, and jumped into an extremely busy month, which I will try to blog about later (hopefully!) In the meantime, here are more pictures of Davidy that didn't fit anywhere else:

This kid really, really loves dogs.

Spring Break

A solid month has gone by since I've written anything, and here's the thing: I have thought about or planned to blog almost every single day for the past 4 weeks. I have major respect for any mother who gets anything done. Anything. Did you brush your teeth today? You are awesome. You showered?!  And your neighbour didn't have to come over and hold your screaming baby? I don't even believe you.

Me? Cry? Never!

Anyway- lots has happened in our crazy, boring, exciting, busy lives. Here's a brief update.

April is a holiday for the college where Abram teaches- most of East Africa uses a year-round system, where schools are closed in April, August and December. The month has gone by quickly and I can hardly believe classes will be starting again on Monday. It's been a nice change of pace, and a chance to get to spend more time together, and to travel a bit!

Last week we were in Nairobi, visiting Visible Grace and some of our friends in the area, as well as doing major shopping (dark chocolate, decaf coffee, gluten free soy sauce, rice flour...).

Me: Thanks for being so generous and letting me buy so much stuff, and not complaining about it!
Abram: Well, I haven't totaled it all up yet. I'll complain later.
Me: ...Oh.

(He didn't complain, though. He's so generous. Abram would live off of $3 for the rest of his life, I think. Whereas I'm like, "well, in order to be truly happy, I need a hand mixer Jesus." I've never met anyone as content and non-materialistic as him. It's so annoying admirable. One of the many things I love about him. It also makes it hard to think of gifts for him!)

Er...as I was saying, we were able to visit the kids at VG, attend a board meeting, go to our (English speaking!) church, and visit a few of our friends. We also got a chance to dress Davidy in some of his 'winter' clothing, as it's rarely cold enough in TZ for long sleeves, let alone SWEATPANTS. You guys. I submit to you that few things are cuter than a baby in sweatpants.

It's always bittersweet for me to visit the VG house, because I miss the kids so much, and part of me still wishes we were there- but, I am happy/reluctant to admit, I think the entire ministry is doing better without me. Steve and Judy, the house parents/manager, are doing an incredible job, and we are grateful and impressed every time we talk with them or see the work they are doing. (Clarification: I'm still involved. Just in a very different capacity. I do not, for the record, miss Rita waking me up at 5:45 every morning.)

Rita: So innocent, so sweet. So loud.

I miss them. A lot. 

Raising 11 kids and holding a 12th: The best house father ever, Steve.

Everyone was of course delighted to see David and meet him for a second time- many of the friends we saw had visited us in the hospital when he was born! It was really cool to realise that, if we live in East Africa for a while, these people will know him throughout his entire childhood- watching him from newborn to toddlerhood to...adolescence?! Who knows. It's hard for us to be away from our families and home churches, but God has been good to bless us with 'families' here in Kenya and Tanzania. Davidy has American, South African, Canadian, Tanzanian, Kenyan, German and British (and more!) aunties, uncles, grandmas and grandpas. We really do feel supported and loved! And we are seeing the truth in the African adage "it takes a village to raise a child." (No, Hilary Clinton did not coin that phrase!)

Learning to sit with his cousin Charles (and yes, he's licking him. I don't know.)

Cousin Precious. And the aforementioned sweatpants.

Almost everyone we know had a baby last year. Seriously. Everyone.

Now that we are back home, we have a few days to settle in and get back into a routine before school starts again. Abram will be teaching a class on the book of Genesis, which I plan to attend/audit. I am looking forward to learning more about the Bible, as well as watching my husband teach! Thanks to a lighter teaching schedule this term, he will have a lot more time to research, read and write for his dissertation.

The view from our porch. It's good to be home!

We always enjoy a change of pace, and a chance to visit friends, but we are looking forward to life 'as usual', as well. This term should be a good one, and one of our good friends from Oregon is visiting at the end! Hurry up, Auntie Lindsay!

Thanks for a great pic, Jere!