catching up, part 2: you want to live where?

So you guys know I love Abram, right?

He's pretty dreamy. He treats me really well. Also he makes good smoothies. Also, this:

See? You'd fall in love with him too. But you can't; he's taken. 

I guess my point is that it wasn't very hard to fall in love with him. We were both in Nairobi, we both love Jesus and Africa and kids and books and avocados. We had so much fun together no matter what we were doing. He was there for me when I really needed him. He makes wise decisions and treats people well. Everyone thinks highly of him. It was so perfect: We fell in love and dated and got engaged in Kenya. We were living out my dream life: meet a Christian guy who's already in Africa.

In Nairobi.

But there was one teeny tiny catch and, I'll admit, when I first met Abram I was basically in complete denial of this: Abram is a doctoral student, and his research topic for his dissertation is based in…

Tanzania. (Where?)

He's committed to living in Tanzania for the next 2+ years, serving with AIM and researching and interviewing and writing his dissertation. And this is a problem for me, because I…I love Kenya.

I mean everyone knows that.

And most people know my story: for ten years, I have been working on starting a home for orphaned children in Nairobi, Kenya. I spent the majority of my time in Oregon, fundraising and networking, and traveling to Kenya once or twice a year. In 2012, the board of my non profit decided it was time to send me to Kenya full time to the home (finally!) up and running.

This was an answer to prayer. For a decade, I have felt that my heart was in Kenya, and wanted to be there, to get Visible Grace going, to work with kids who needed to be loved. It was finally time! Sort of.

When I met Abram I knew God was blessing me even beyond what I'd asked for. I got to move to Kenya! We opened the home and started taking in kids! And then I met Mr Perfect. I really had it all.

Except I didn't.

Abram and I started talking about marriage really quickly. During our whirlwind of romance and life (running a children's home and finishing a doctorate program- no big deal, guys) we talked a lot about our future. We have similar passions and visions- I desire to educate children, so they grow up well, and he loves educating and equipping African adults, so that they can in turn equip others. We have different fields, but we really desire the same thing.

Abram spent about 10 of the last 14 years teaching at a Bible college in Tanzania, and this is where he chose his research topic for his dissertation. (Two years ago he decided to go back to school himself, to get a Ph.D. He just so happened to choose a college in Nairobi…) While he finishes his dissertation, he's also teaching at the Bible college here. In Tanzania.

In not Kenya.

Like I said, we spent a lot of time talking about our future. We felt like we had a few choices. Except I really didn't feel like I had a choice at all:

~Not marry Abram
~Stay in Kenya and make him abandon his studies
~Marry Abram and follow him to Tanzania

This was a really difficult decision for both of us. I didn't feel ready to let go of my dream job; Abram didn't want to see me hurt and grieving. It was also hard because I felt like the Lord had only just allowed me to move to Kenya and see get Visible Grace up and running. I had been waiting so long to see it become a reality. Was He really taking it away from me so quickly? Or testing me to see if I cared about the love of a man more than obedience to God? (Yes, I really wondered that.)

Here's the thing, though: Visible Grace was up and running. We were seeing it become a reality.

So the choice wasn't necessarily taking away from the ministry. In fact, at the moment VG is thriving- without me! Abram and I are part of the board and are in touch often. We have a Kenyan manager, which I think is important. We plan to go up several times a year- it's a day's drive from where we live. I miss the kids, but really, everyone is thriving right now. It's possible this is exactly what was needed in order to take this thing to the next level- to help it move beyond me.

But it was so hard, you guys. Excruciating. At first I felt like I was being asked to choose between my first born child and the love of my life. (Seriously- I raised VG from its infancy and worked on it 24/7 and it kept me up at night and consumed all my resources and time and was my baby. Tell me that's not like a baby.)

Throughout the entire process I could feel God's hand at work, and I knew that, for whatever reason, this was what God wanted me to do. To step back from VG, to leave the city and country I love, and to follow Abram to Tanzania. I'm still figuring out why, and what that looks like, but I am confident He's leading me in the right direction. (Tanzania, by the way, is fairly similar to Kenya. Not a huge change.)

Another step in this decision was to join Africa Inland Mission, because Abram is a missionary through them, and we want to be on the same team. This step wasn't really as big a deal. AIM is a great organisation full of great people. It also provides me with stability I haven't had before, like…infrastructure. And health insurance. This move also took me off Visible Grace's payroll, which is fantastic for VG financially, and enables us to save up a bit, for exciting things like…a new sceptic tank. I know, I know- why don't I blog about that?!

So. There's my 'confession'. I have been toying with this post for months, because a lot of clarification was needed, and a lot of people don't really know where I live or what I'm up to. (Some people think we live at the children's home, and for the record, that was never part of the plan. I think the kids deserve African parents, and I think we deserve some privacy in our first year of marriage.)

I'm still not thrilled about being here, some days. But that's okay. Because this is home for now, with Abram, and we'll figure it out together. We don't know what our next step will be, or what God has in store for us. But for now, we're here.

the catch-up post: 2013

I keep putting off blogging because I know I'll have to start at practically the beginning. The beginning for me and Abram was only about 18 months ago, but we've fit an awful lot into that time, so it's still a lot to write about!

Among other things, in 2013:

~We were both living in Kenya

~We got engaged in February

~I (Ashby) moved from the home I was renting in Ngong (near Abram) to the children's home (Visible Grace). This put me over an hour away from Abram, but…

~We opened the children's home and took in our first kids! Something almost ten years in the making!

~We had to fire our manager, who also happened to be my best friend and former housemate. This ended our friendship, shattered me emotionally, cut me off from much of my community in Nairobi, and resulted in my working two jobs--

~I was serving as director, house mother, and manager for Visible Grace (I was spread too thin and felt like I was doing all jobs poorly)

~By June we had 6  kids and by August, 8 kids! Such a blessing; so much work!

~In June we also hosted one of our good friends for 12 weeks. Scott stayed with Abram and interned with VG: he did everything from writing up kids' bios and staff handbooks, to cleaning the bathroom, to playing with the kids in the yard, to teaching our staff CPR, to helping me with wedding invites…seriously, Scott was a lifesaver. This was especially helpful because…

~I was also hosting various parasites, including malaria and schistosomiasis (look it up if you dare). I was really, really sick. Oh, and I came down with 'atypical pneumonia'.

~Abram also had his hands full, because in addition to caring for me (physically and mentally- I was a wreck), he defended his dissertation proposal (good job, honey!) and finished his final papers for his PHD program. This means he is done with classes and is now working on his dissertation. He also hosted a weekly small group at his school and joined the VG board. Did I mention the papers? He wrote several hundred thousand words last spring. Doctorate level. That man works hard.

~In June we made the decision that I would join Africa Inland Mission, the organization Abram serves with. This resulted in a mountain of paperwork and hours of psychological tests. (An amusing aside: When I finally got admitted to AIM, they told me they had reservations because of some of my answers on the testing. Are you more tired than normal? Are you stressed? Do you feel like you are over-burdened? When I explained the extenuating circumstances they agreed that I handled it well enough and that it was an exceptional situation…and wanted to be sure I wouldn't do it again. Ha. I don't think I'll get pneumonia, lose my best friend, and adopt eight kids again any time soon!)

~In July Abram and I began several hours of pre-marital counselling

~Visible Grace hired a part time manager to help me with a lot of the daily operations (she quit in February 2014)

~In August we hosted three more good friends, who came for two weeks to help out with the kids and help us host our housewarming party! And helped me pack! And built us a chicken house!

~On August 3rd, 2013 we threw a housewarming party for the children's home. I believe there were over a hundred people there. To be perfectly honest, Abram, Scott and our new manager did most of the work. But I showed up…

~I also managed to pack and be ready to go back to the States, first to Georgia for a five-day orientation to AIM, then to Oregon for three weeks…

~Oh, and we planned a wedding.

WHEW. I need a break just re-reading this.

Last summer were some of the sweetest memories I'll ever have- I have always, always wanted to be a mama to orphaned children, and these specific children were part of a vision I've had for a decade. I was so unbelievably blessed to live there and work with those kids. At the same time, I don't want to do that ever again- I was so stressed, so sad and emotional, so exhausted and so sick.

I really do thank God for Abram at this time. God also put some lovely Kenyan and American women in my life just when I badly needed friends and was missing my best friend. In 2013, I learned a lot…and cried a lot.

So this basically leads us up to September of 2013. Still with me? I'll post about life after wedding, later this week.